As natural as it seems as unnatural it is. Leaving the house, getting into a car and driving to any set destination, without fear of death, without just one thought wasted on potential dangers. To me this once was the same.
My crash took place a couple days after completing my final exams in school, on an empty road, slamming my car and myself down a hill. I landed in a spot where an old unused railroad lies, top down facing forwards. The rails directly hit and broke my face, which protected the rest of my head. This is why I survived. I can’t recall any memory of the accident and the cause has never been clarified.
Waking up in hospital 5 weeks later, feeling as if somebody would constantly hammer into my face, surrounded by life supporting lines, cables, monitors and noises of the different machines, unable to speak, unable to move, in need for assistance in every task, no matter how simple it seemed. That is an indescribable feeling, even more so at an age of 20 years.
In my time in hospital I’ve had three cardiac arrests. From those subconscious experiences I feel like I know first hand where we’re going after life. We’re all heading to the same place, where it does not matter if you have money, a house, a car, a reputation or anything that we regard as “important” in life. The space is free of everything that we tend to know, appreciate and strive for except for absolute fulfillment. In this place, the only thing that counts is if you’re happy with yourself and the footprint you’re leaving. In that place you’ll have to be one with yourself so you can become one with what’s next. There’s nothing and nobody else involved. If you’re good it’ll be good.
The life you’re given back after returning from that space is not even remotely similar to how you know it. It is a second chance that you’re given, a second life with a massive sign of caution, that there probably won’t be a way to survive the next time. It’s an eye-opener to get going on fulfilling yourself, doing what moves you most everyday as you could be dead the next day.
Living in a damaged body takes a lot of strength – both physically and mentally. In order to get back up you need a strong will to live, a mind that is able to look over not being able to move your leg but instead knowing that training will get it back to work and then doing that until the body is as strong as the mind. With this ‘fighter’-mindset I was able to cut my stay in the intense care unit down to only one week after 4 to 5 weeks of intubation.
In the accident I had lost one eye. What they tell you is that the now unallocated brain capacity shifts to the hearing sense. I don’t really relate to that, as my hearing got a slight bump in appreciation but I don’t hear any differently. All frequencies and sounds are the same. The body just compensates for the missing eye by using audio signals to emphasize how you recognize the space around you.
In multiple conversations directly after my accident the universal comment I got was that ‘my task was not fulfilled yet’.
I tried figuring out what all the things I had seen through the time I was gone meant, what coalition the comment and my new found appreciation for my senses, especially hearing meant. I was destroyed from the outside to the inside and needed to recover mentally and physically, second of which I had under full control with training and nutrition.
What I was seeking was fulfillment – which had been non-existent to me as I always tried living up to what was expected by me. And in doing this I was really bad – everything I did showed that. As a born perfectionist that digged deep into who I knew and aspired to be.
I managed to find out that fulfillment and happiness was what I was chasing, even though I didn’t know it at the time. Those two – as simple as they sound – are the hardest to achieve. These goals are not remotely as easy to get to as a pair of slim fit jeans when you’re obese or becoming ‘famous’ on Instagram.
The combination that stuck with me and feels like fulfilling my task as well as doing what fulfills me is being a musician. This is the one and only thing that has always stuck with me – through my parents braking up when I was little, my friends turning on me in my teens and now trying to literally survive and build myself back up.
This is what feels right to do primarily for me but also to the benefit of others. And of course this also provides me with the fulfillment I need to be able to leave the world any time from now. It’s not always easy to be and keep myself in that state, but I think that is the journey I need to complete and raise awareness for a more conscious living that way.
Music is a language everybody understands, no matter where you’re from, how your financial standpoint or your education level is. Music is universal. It’s the closest to being one, just as I was with death and therefor is the most beautiful thing I know. To me it is flawless, perfect in every aspect. It unites us as one, expresses what can’t be expressed in words. Through all my visits to clubs, especially pure Techno clubs this is the exact resonance I got back. There’s nothing but love and that’s what I have to give in life through my music.
I want to conclude with the words that I can’t express, a deeper meaning, that words can’t capture. So I’ll conclude with a song that’s easy to understand. Listen carefully and everything I described will explain itself. If you decide that you like it, please do the right thing. This Song – just like every good song – deserves the attention of being bought in WAV or AIFF in one of the listed stores.
Thank you for reading and listening. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions